Post by Ace on Jun 16, 2004 6:11:05 GMT -5
Because I just had to share and it made me laugh.
Disliking Around the World in 80 Ways
MALENE ARPE
TORONTO STAR
1: Phileas Fogg has morphed from an uptight, repressed Brit into a wacky inventor.
2: The theme of transformation through opening your eyes to the world is thus eliminated.
3: Steve Coogan who plays Fogg has two expressions: annoyed grimace and wacky grimace.
4: The two expressions look remarkably alike.
5: Coogan possesses an alarming number of teeth.
6: Fogg invents roller skates.
7: Fogg invents a suitcase with wheels.
8: Fogg invents a car.
9: Fogg invents a rollercoaster.
10: The role of Fogg's valet, Passepartout, is played by Jackie Chan.
11: Jackie Chan is too old for the impish sidekick shtick
12: ATWI80D attempts to cash in on buddy/buddy success Chan had with Owen Wilson in Shanghai Noon and Chris Tucker in Rush Hour.
13: Chemistry like he had with Wilson and Tucker?
14: Not so much.
15: There's a joke about rubber underpants.
16: There's a joke about urinating in public.
17: The bet that makes Fogg attempt to circumnavigate the world in 80 days is no longer for money and honour.
18: It's for "something to believe in."
19: Gag.
20: Part of the wager is that Fogg must promise to never invent again if he loses.
21: You find yourself fervently hoping he doesn't win.
22: A subplot about Chan having to retrieve a stolen jade Buddha to save his Chinese village has been added.
23: He therefore has to rob the Bank of England.
24: Well-known for being the depository of choice when villainous Asian gangs want to hide their loot.
25: As a matter of fact, the subplot becomes the plot and Jules Verne's magnificent story becomes the subplot.
26: Because obviously the story of traveling around the world in, say, 80 days just doesn't cut it anymore.
27: Great British actor Jim Broadbent mugs evilly through the role as the head of the Royal Academy of Science and Fogg's nemesis.
28: He has to make a joke about Salisbury Steak.
29: This movie cost $110 million to make.
30: The role of Detective Fix (Ewen Brenmer), the foil of Fogg and Passepartout has been reduced to a punching bag.
31: Even if you're a fan of people getting hit in the head, he's not amusing.
32: Even if you relish when people fall down stairs breaking every bone in their bodies, he's not funny.
33: There's a joke about Impressionism.
34: It's "I'm not impressed."
35: Plucky, French heroine, played by Cécile de France, inserted into plot for the benefit of political grrrl correctness.
36: She says she's an artist who "needs a world journey to inspire me."
37: Plucky, French heroine does not perish horribly.
38: The big baddie and leader of the Asian gang is the victim of a cruel and tragic make-up job.
39: The old arrow-in-the-crotch joke.
40: The old boiling-water-to-the-crotch joke.
41: The old rope-burn-to-the-crotch joke.
42: The old crotch-caught-in-the-trapdoor joke.
43: There's only a couple of decent fights.
44: The credits of the screen-writing trio include Porn Star Prom Date, Morgan Stewart's Coming Home and The Curse of King Tut's Tomb.
45: Jackie Chan saves a baby.
46: Richard Branson has a cameo.
47: So do Macy Gray, John Cleese, Rob Schneider and Kathy Bates.
48: Their talents are wasted.
49: But not as wasted as those of Luke and Owen Wilson.
50: Who are there to remind us that Chan can do funny buddy movies.
51: Arnold Schwarzenegger's turn as a bawdy, lecherous, lascivious, horny, groping sultan with six wives is beyond creepy.
52: He has Cleopatra hair.
53: It's ugly.
54: Not ugly-funny. Just ugly.
55: He, plucky girl, Fogg and Passepartout get in the hot tub together.
56: The heads of thousands of California voters explode.
57: There's a goat on the train in India.
58: It eats Fogg's notes.
59: That's so funny.
60: Because we all know that in those foreign-type countries, the scruffy peasants never travel without their livestock.
61: Cute, Indian urchin gets to say, "Most legends are born from the truth," while the music swells in the background.
62: There's a running cross-dressing joke.
63: Men wearing saris.
64: That's so hilarious.
65: There's a joke about a shark biting the nipples off a steamboat captain.
66: He gets to say, "You had me at nipple."
67: Director Frank Coraci (The Wedding Singer, The Waterboy) should stick to Adam Sandler.
68: There's a group hug.
69: Fogg invents an airplane.
70: Good triumphs over Asian gangs.
71: Good triumphs over The Royal Academy.
72: Good triumphs over Detective Fix, who gets to fall down the stairs again.
73: We all learn a valuable lesson about friendship.
74: And one about love.
75: This movie is not as good as the 1956 David Niven version.
76: Which had Marlene Dietrich, John Gielgud, Shirley MacLaine, Frank Sinatra ...
77: It's not as good as the 1989 made-for-TV Pierce Brosnan miniseries.
78: Which had a wonderful Detective Fix as played by Peter Ustinov.
79: It's not as good as Around The Girl In 80 Lays, starring Vincent Lance and Suuzy Slutsky.
80: Jules Verne is rotating in his grave worrying about his other works ripe for plucking from the public domain.
Disliking Around the World in 80 Ways
MALENE ARPE
TORONTO STAR
1: Phileas Fogg has morphed from an uptight, repressed Brit into a wacky inventor.
2: The theme of transformation through opening your eyes to the world is thus eliminated.
3: Steve Coogan who plays Fogg has two expressions: annoyed grimace and wacky grimace.
4: The two expressions look remarkably alike.
5: Coogan possesses an alarming number of teeth.
6: Fogg invents roller skates.
7: Fogg invents a suitcase with wheels.
8: Fogg invents a car.
9: Fogg invents a rollercoaster.
10: The role of Fogg's valet, Passepartout, is played by Jackie Chan.
11: Jackie Chan is too old for the impish sidekick shtick
12: ATWI80D attempts to cash in on buddy/buddy success Chan had with Owen Wilson in Shanghai Noon and Chris Tucker in Rush Hour.
13: Chemistry like he had with Wilson and Tucker?
14: Not so much.
15: There's a joke about rubber underpants.
16: There's a joke about urinating in public.
17: The bet that makes Fogg attempt to circumnavigate the world in 80 days is no longer for money and honour.
18: It's for "something to believe in."
19: Gag.
20: Part of the wager is that Fogg must promise to never invent again if he loses.
21: You find yourself fervently hoping he doesn't win.
22: A subplot about Chan having to retrieve a stolen jade Buddha to save his Chinese village has been added.
23: He therefore has to rob the Bank of England.
24: Well-known for being the depository of choice when villainous Asian gangs want to hide their loot.
25: As a matter of fact, the subplot becomes the plot and Jules Verne's magnificent story becomes the subplot.
26: Because obviously the story of traveling around the world in, say, 80 days just doesn't cut it anymore.
27: Great British actor Jim Broadbent mugs evilly through the role as the head of the Royal Academy of Science and Fogg's nemesis.
28: He has to make a joke about Salisbury Steak.
29: This movie cost $110 million to make.
30: The role of Detective Fix (Ewen Brenmer), the foil of Fogg and Passepartout has been reduced to a punching bag.
31: Even if you're a fan of people getting hit in the head, he's not amusing.
32: Even if you relish when people fall down stairs breaking every bone in their bodies, he's not funny.
33: There's a joke about Impressionism.
34: It's "I'm not impressed."
35: Plucky, French heroine, played by Cécile de France, inserted into plot for the benefit of political grrrl correctness.
36: She says she's an artist who "needs a world journey to inspire me."
37: Plucky, French heroine does not perish horribly.
38: The big baddie and leader of the Asian gang is the victim of a cruel and tragic make-up job.
39: The old arrow-in-the-crotch joke.
40: The old boiling-water-to-the-crotch joke.
41: The old rope-burn-to-the-crotch joke.
42: The old crotch-caught-in-the-trapdoor joke.
43: There's only a couple of decent fights.
44: The credits of the screen-writing trio include Porn Star Prom Date, Morgan Stewart's Coming Home and The Curse of King Tut's Tomb.
45: Jackie Chan saves a baby.
46: Richard Branson has a cameo.
47: So do Macy Gray, John Cleese, Rob Schneider and Kathy Bates.
48: Their talents are wasted.
49: But not as wasted as those of Luke and Owen Wilson.
50: Who are there to remind us that Chan can do funny buddy movies.
51: Arnold Schwarzenegger's turn as a bawdy, lecherous, lascivious, horny, groping sultan with six wives is beyond creepy.
52: He has Cleopatra hair.
53: It's ugly.
54: Not ugly-funny. Just ugly.
55: He, plucky girl, Fogg and Passepartout get in the hot tub together.
56: The heads of thousands of California voters explode.
57: There's a goat on the train in India.
58: It eats Fogg's notes.
59: That's so funny.
60: Because we all know that in those foreign-type countries, the scruffy peasants never travel without their livestock.
61: Cute, Indian urchin gets to say, "Most legends are born from the truth," while the music swells in the background.
62: There's a running cross-dressing joke.
63: Men wearing saris.
64: That's so hilarious.
65: There's a joke about a shark biting the nipples off a steamboat captain.
66: He gets to say, "You had me at nipple."
67: Director Frank Coraci (The Wedding Singer, The Waterboy) should stick to Adam Sandler.
68: There's a group hug.
69: Fogg invents an airplane.
70: Good triumphs over Asian gangs.
71: Good triumphs over The Royal Academy.
72: Good triumphs over Detective Fix, who gets to fall down the stairs again.
73: We all learn a valuable lesson about friendship.
74: And one about love.
75: This movie is not as good as the 1956 David Niven version.
76: Which had Marlene Dietrich, John Gielgud, Shirley MacLaine, Frank Sinatra ...
77: It's not as good as the 1989 made-for-TV Pierce Brosnan miniseries.
78: Which had a wonderful Detective Fix as played by Peter Ustinov.
79: It's not as good as Around The Girl In 80 Lays, starring Vincent Lance and Suuzy Slutsky.
80: Jules Verne is rotating in his grave worrying about his other works ripe for plucking from the public domain.
